Good Communication + Problem Solving = Good Marriages

How often have you heard or read about the “magic” of communication? How good communication is the secret to a healthy marriage? One of the biggest misconceptions about communication is that it will “fix” problems in your marriage. Are we minimizing the importance of good communication in a healthy marriage? No. However, communication without action could cause more problems in your marriage.

The importance of good communication cannot be overstated. However, acting upon the information you communicate is vital to solving problems in your marriage. For instance, suppose you and your spouse have a small sexual problem in your marriage. Perhaps your spouse needs sex approximately three times per week – while you only need sex two times per week. You and your spouse communicate your needs/feelings to one another. Problem solved, right?

Wrong! This is how it usually works. Suppose the husband needs sex three times per week and the wife only needs sex two times per week. After an excellent time of communication, the husband now feels the wife understands his needs for sex – it should be better next week – he believes. The wife has explained to the husband how she only needs sex two times per week. Additionally, she’s illustrated how sex three times per week is quite challenging – given her responsibilities with the house and children. The wife now believes the husband understands the situation, surely he’ll only ask for sex two times per week now.

Although both husband and wife are truly communicating their feelings, needs and desires – no problem solving has taken place. It’s quite likely the husband will continue attempting to get sex three times per week and the wife will most likely resist – feeling he should understand that twice per week as enough. Conflict will continue to arise in this relationship – only now – the relationship has more problems.

The wife feels the husband is inconsiderate and only thinking of himself and his penis. The husband is feeling pretty much the same way – after all - how can she resist his sexual needs when she now understands he needs sex three times per week? Even worse, both husband and wife have less faith in “communication” as it’s only made the problem worse. What’s missing in the communication is basic “problem solving”.

Problem solving is recognizing how, when and where the conflict arises – then finding and agreeing on steps to resolve those conflicts. For example, suppose the husband and wife had continued their discussion – discovering that each could get what they need if the husband would agree to help with the kids and the house – freeing time for one extra night of sex each week?

Sounds simple doesn’t it? Well, unfortunately this is the step that’s often left out of communication and the marriage suffers as a result. Both husband and wife should make a commitment to be “problem solvers”. Your marriage will blossom.

Fixing Sex in your Marriage

Sex just not what it once was? Been married for a while? Has the bedroom become the “boring” room? Do you wonder if your spouse cares more for the television / computer / [whatever] than your sexual needs/desires? Well, you’re not alone. Husbands and wives fall quietly to sleep every night with unmet sexual needs/desires – creating a trail of resentment and frustration. Take a look at these steps to better sex in your marriage.

Have a “talk” with your husband/wife. WAIT, hang with me for a minute – this is worth it. Start the conversation off like this. “Sweetie, you know I love you, but we both know our sex life sucks and we need better, we deserve better, I deserve more just as you deserve more. I’m willing to make a commitment to work very hard to improve our sex life, but I need a commitment from you too. Before you tune me out – I would like for us to work on some stuff I found in this article. I believe it will help us.” At this point, either you AND your spouse will be willing to WORK on this “problem” or you won’t.

First, both of you need an open mind. It’s critical both of you are willing to gain an “understanding” of the other. You MUST discover each other’s sexual NEEDS and DESIRES. Even if you’ve been married for 10 years or more – sexual needs/desires might have changed or never been discovered. Sometimes, particularly with sex, we’re afraid to let our spouse know what we want or need. Perhaps we’re ashamed or embarrassed? Regardless, if you don’t know what your spouse needs/desires – it’s not likely he/she will be fulfilled. Both husband and wife should do some serious thinking about what you need sexually from each other. Often, men and women are polar opposites in their sexual needs. That’s ok and it’s normal. Both husband and wife should make a written list of those needs/desires.

The next step is where the “rubber meets the road” in your sex life. Often, we have a “selfish” focus when it comes to sex. That’s ok AS-LONG-AS we also have a commitment to put our SELF aside and give our spouse what he/she needs sexually. Hollywood has given the world an unrealistic model of a healthy sexy life. Husband and wives don’t “magically” find sexual fulfillment in the same “activities” or even at the same time. A healthy sex life requires a lot of giving. For instance, often women need intimacy to feel sexually fulfilled. This could require that a husband spend extra time before AND after “intercourse” cuddling, etc. – maybe she only wants to cuddle without intercourse? How many times have you heard a woman say “He gets what he wants – has his orgasm – then off he goes.”? That woman isn’t being fulfilled. Men are usually less complicated. Men usually have certain sexual “things” in mind that they want to do (or have done to them). Ladies, DON’T underestimate the power of your man’s sex drive. Those “things” might seem silly, gross or whatever, but to your man – they are essential to the sexual health of your marriage. PLEASE don’t make your man feel bad about these sexual “things”. Please do your best to fulfill his needs and desires. Just taking his “odd” sexual needs seriously and showing a desire to fulfill them could rejuvenate your sex life. When I say “odd”, I’m not talking about “twisted” sexual practices. I’m talking about positions and activities you would find in an average “husband & wife” sex book.

Lastly, I know you’re tired. I know the kids need attention and I know we all have a lot of things going on in our lives. However, keeping sexual needs/desires met is sort of like keeping the lawn mowed, the dishes washed, the house clean, the car running well, etc. If you truly seek a GREAT sex life with your spouse – be prepared to work at it each and every day. Not only will you see improvement in your sex life – joy will spill over into other parts of your relationship as well. One last word to the ladies: Your husband is more interested in what you’re willing to DO to satisfy his needs / desires than HOW you look! It’s true. Last word to the guys: Don’t try to “perform” in the bedroom. She’s not interested in your performance. She’s interested in your willingness to truly LISTEN to her, connect with her in an intimate way and show her your desire to keep her sexually fulfilled. She needs it from you. Make the commitment to each other – you deserve it – and learn to enjoy each other.